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Sid Jokes, some (X) rated

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 October 2009 at 8:05pm
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,
'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'i haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord tunderin' Jesus, it's
2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'


And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2009 at 11:53pm

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.


Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 October 2009 at 7:56pm
Do they say that laughter is the greatest medicine
available free of charge? You'll crack your rib cage
 with this poor guy's story!  Read on, and enjoy it.

Why I fired my secretary.

Last week was my 35th birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alonel 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead to go to a quiet bistro with a private table..…
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we? 'I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.' 'Ok.'I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.…Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday.'And I just sat there...
On the couch...…………….Naked
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 December 2009 at 7:17pm
21 things you can ONLY get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfontonian
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote J.R. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2010 at 3:10pm
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party ........ it's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour has done in the last 10 years !!!
JR was ere
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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ArtB Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2010 at 7:20pm
Probably worked miracles for carbon emmisions as well... That'll help some idiot meet his targets! Or, does the volcano cause more problems than it solves... now... which book on how to lie with statstics shall I use?
 
Art
*** If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the problem!
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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 September 2010 at 11:07pm
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".



Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tobic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2010 at 9:00am
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this

flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a

few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and

announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.


Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!


We need the height, and she gives us the #uck'n length.


Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 December 2010 at 10:08am
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park nearthe trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one oneach leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You workedthat out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't infor very long".
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 January 2011 at 10:08pm

Two paddies were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger.

'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'


Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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