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Sid Jokes, some (X) rated

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:17am

President George Bush is on a trip to several European countries. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." The Queen phones Tony Blair, puts him on a speaker phone and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question for me. ‘Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, madam."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. President?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Dick Cheney first and says, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, Mr President. What's on your mind?" "Well, your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Cheney hums and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Cheney hangs up.

Cheney immediately calls members of his staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Cheney calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, Colin, your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved Cheney rushes back to call Bush and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Joined: 12 January 2005
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:24am

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table...

My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until dinner time tomorrow".

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:25am

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:29am
Two blondes Sharon and Carmen walk into a department store to the counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Carmen." "Yeah. What's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What the does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Carmen again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:30am
The couple had split up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building. One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the lift and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw an erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognises me."
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:31am

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery," asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch..."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:33am

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:35am

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.

Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:42am

A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home or called. She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat," she told him.

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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hissing sid View Drop Down
Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2005 at 2:43am

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.

The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three-room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV The guy drops his bag of money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realises he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks; he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that's outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking towards one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.

"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job? Honey, a blow job is $5000.00" "What, that's outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking towards another one of the window, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00.

An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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