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    Posted: 12 January 2005 at 9:55pm

Hey,

I can't believe I got to post this thread title before Hissing Sid!  Apologies Sid, and my respect for your contributions to date.

I got some brilliant jokes from the csp.co.uk forum.  Two in particular were absolutely sparkling:-

1 John's parrot joke (John owned the parrot - he wasn't a forum contributor!) but I don't have a copy . . . . .  .

2 The somewhat topical:

  Q  What's black and *very* very loud?

 

 

  A Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

 

<It's only topical cos now Herr D Blunkett would be the best subject matter now>.  <Or was that even more topical?>

Anyway, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get 20 pages of quality jokes back up on this thread by 30 June 2005.  Jokes from the former forum perfectly acceptable!

Paul  

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 January 2005 at 10:05pm

I'll kick start then Paul, with hope that Sid gets here soon

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Hissing Sid
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Posted: 02 September 2003 at 1:09am | IP Logged Quote Hissing Sid

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Surenow ,we'll be takin four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag". The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds
and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag,
places on on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of
the cliff, he shakes his head and says,"Foock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too foockin' dangerous for me!"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He, too, has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that,in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi dare, Paddy. Watch dis", Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as, halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, " Fook dat too - An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider".

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a familiar 'peeper' bag.
But instead of a parrot, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself over the cliff, with the usual result.
Once more, Paddy shakes his head. "Fook me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you, fockin' hen gliding".


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ReTrO
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Posted: 02 September 2003 at 6:13pm | IP Logged Quote ReTrO

Brilliant!

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Posted: 04 September 2003 at 12:38am | IP Logged Quote Steve Church

The Genie

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the e couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about than t," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.



The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO sh*t. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
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Posted: 04 September 2003 at 12:16pm | IP Logged Quote Tobic

Wow, nine out of ten for that one

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Hissing Sid
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Posted: 04 September 2003 at 5:59pm | IP Logged Quote Hissing Sid

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant
why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he
asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

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Posted: 05 September 2003 at 3:42pm | IP Logged Quote Rachael

Excellent joke, gave me a nice smile for the rest of the day, keep them coming !!!!!!!!!!
or should i say keep telling the jokes

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Hissing Sid
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Posted: 05 September 2003 at 11:07pm | IP Logged Quote Hissing Sid

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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Posted: 06 September 2003 at 4:21pm | IP Logged Quote Hissing Sid

The Greatest Nation in the World...

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off.

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mad pierre
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Posted: 06 September 2003 at 5:18pm | IP Logged Quote mad pierre

Sid, that just about sums up the septics, (septic tanks, Yanks) I really hope that is true!

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Posted: 06 September 2003 at 5:38pm | IP Logged Quote big baggles

I have heard of that before, dont know i8f it is true or not, but who cares it makes me chuckle !
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 January 2005 at 10:16pm
Hissing Sid
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Posted: 10 September 2003 at 1:04am | IP Logged Quote Hissing Sid

You may be too young to remember Rainbow, but funny as anyway!

Original Script from Rainbow
For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on you ... but it must have been a great episode to watch!

Almost too ridiculous to believe ... This is taken from an original Rainbow script and there's no way this could have been done by Accident.

Innuendo all the way.

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana ...

Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four"
George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.
Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."
Geoffrey (to camera) "Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George: "Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?
Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle
Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"
Zippy: "Well of course it is, your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle: (excited) "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
Freddy: "We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: "Banging can be fun."
Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy.
Freddy: ( looking sad ) "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod: (to Jane) "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: "Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?
Zippy; "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy: "I've got a big red one."
George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey: (to viewers) "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't gotany, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 January 2005 at 10:19pm
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet; not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?
They say Kesey's dead; But never trust a prankster;even underground.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 January 2005 at 9:56am
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time
I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Yup".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Uh huh".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Indeedy"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 January 2005 at 5:19pm

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word...allegedly – both UK and US  ;)



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.


CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and?"
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and?"
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.



LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George”

 

 

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Eddie View Drop Down
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Joined: 11 January 2005
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2005 at 4:13pm
 The parrots story

This guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cr*p," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssst" says the parrot,
"I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting,he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"What???" the guy asks incredulously.
"Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"Well???" demands the frantic guy. "Then what happened!?!"
"Damned if I know, I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
They say Kesey's dead; But never trust a prankster;even underground.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2005 at 5:36pm

Best mates Seamus and Patrick are out hunting in the woods.  Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Seamus falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Patrick gets in a bit of a paddy about it (well, I suppose he would!) and thinks “What can I do?”  He pulls out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend has just dropped down dead!  What can I do?"  The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Take it easy.  Don’t panic.  I can help.  First, we must be absolutely sure he's dead."

 

There is a brief silence, then the operator hears a shot.


Patrick comes back on the phone.  He says: "OK, now what?"

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