Chalfont St Peter Forum: Sid Jokes, some (X) rated

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hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
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Posted: 16 January 2005 at 11:45pm

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Edited by DanW

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:09am

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!'"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:10am

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:11am

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:12am

A stunning blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect)"Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead, take it out ...."he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead" The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..."Hello, Mum...can you hear me?"

Edited by DanW

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:13am

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Edited by DanW

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:21am

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:22am

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:24am

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she sees that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip off each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

hissing sid
Chalfont Superstar

Joined: 12 January 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9790

Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:25am

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren"

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont St Peter Forum : General : The Forum

Author	Message
hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 16 January 2005 at 11:45pm
	A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants." The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back." Edited by DanW
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:09am
	One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:10am
	As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:11am
	A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:12am
	A stunning blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect)"Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead, take it out ...."he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead" The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..."Hello, Mum...can you hear me?" Edited by DanW
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:13am
	A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course" he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear". Edited by DanW
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:21am
	A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:22am
	Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:24am
	A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she sees that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip off each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top

hissing sid Chalfont Superstar Joined: 12 January 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9790	Posted: 18 January 2005 at 1:25am
	A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren"
	Hissing Sid It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.
	Back to Top