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Sid Jokes, some (X) rated

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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tobic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2008 at 4:27am
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."


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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tobic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2008 at 5:57am
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me  
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'  


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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2008 at 12:31pm

The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was... the Clone Arranger."

Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 November 2008 at 12:24am
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tup O The Nor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 December 2008 at 4:50am
Haven't been here for a while. Try this one SidWink.
 
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,
'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
Some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside
........... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with
the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London . Eventually
they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely
country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
 
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood
Please said Brown.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up.'
 
Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about
how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar
opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He
walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the
bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender
followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any
longer, Darling called the landlord over.

Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?
 
'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ar*eholes'
Lang may yer lumb reek
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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2009 at 10:06pm

The fireman.

 

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! For emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

.
 
 
 
 
 
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ArtB Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2009 at 5:34am

A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys..
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Queensland mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack..
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill..
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
*** If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the problem!
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Chalfont Oldie
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hissing sid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2009 at 11:01pm
How is this for a coincidence 2007 Chinese year of the chicken and bird flu devastates parts of Asia.
2008 year of the horse equine flu devastates horse racing in Australia
2009 year of the pig and yes swine flu strikes,
cant wait til next year the year of the cock. ;%29 ;%29
Hissing Sid

It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion.

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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tobic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2009 at 9:40am
ACNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"


"Morris Fishbien," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a  *%&$ing ' brick wall."


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Chalfont Snapper
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tobic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2009 at 9:42am
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the  lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ar*ehole and a briefcase.'


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