Sid Jokes, some (X) rated

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict! Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed. "You lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say: ‘Times up?'”

An army service deserter was running down a road escaping from two MP's. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.""Wow," said the women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."