Sid Jokes, some (X) rated |
Post Reply | Page 123 52> |
Author | |
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Posted: 08 May 2011 at 3:21am |
A guy walks into a bar and says: "I'll have a Bin Laden." "What's a Bin Laden?" the bartender asked. "Two shots and a splash of water." |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
Sponsored Links | |
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toasty then he leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a ham and cheese toasty. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toasty. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toasty and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down then walks out. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a ham and cheese toasty, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit me old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toasty...?" The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it!" "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toasty." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toasty, he then waves to the crowd and leaves... NEVER TO RETURN!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar he sees a small white form floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house." The barman says, "I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty. Masses came to see you and this place was famous." The rabbit says, "Yes I know." The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead." The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the rabbit. "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause, the rabbit said... "Mixin-me-toasties." |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger. 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.' |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park nearthe trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one oneach leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You workedthat out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't infor very long". |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
tobic
Chalfont Snapper Joined: 11 January 2005 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 9430 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the #uck'n length. |
|
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
|
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. "What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor". |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
ArtB
Chalfont Snapper Joined: 24 April 2005 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 3484 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Probably worked miracles for carbon emmisions as well... That'll help some idiot meet his targets! Or, does the volcano cause more problems than it solves... now... which book on how to lie with statstics shall I use?
Art
|
|
*** If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the problem!
|
|
J.R.
Chalfontonian Joined: 31 May 2005 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 553 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party ........ it's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour has done in the last 10 years !!!
|
|
JR was ere
|
|
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
21 things you can ONLY get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing. |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
hissing sid
Chalfont Oldie Joined: 12 January 2005 Status: Offline Points: 10566 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Do they say that laughter is the greatest medicine
available free of charge? You'll crack your rib cage with this poor guy's story! Read on, and enjoy it. Why I fired my secretary. Last week was my 35th birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alonel 'Happy Birthday.' I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go! We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead to go to a quiet bistro with a private table..… We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we? 'I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.'I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.…Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'And I just sat there... On the couch...…………….Naked |
|
Hissing Sid
It's a free country, adopt whatever PC stance you want. Just don't tell me which stance I should take just because it clashes with your opinion. |
|
Post Reply | Page 123 52> |
Tweet |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |